A Guide to Netflix’s Bad Holiday Rom-Coms: Small Towns

Sarah Posted by Sarah at December 17, 2018 18:30:53 December 17, 2018 18:30:53

It’s a tradition every December, to watch holiday romantic comedies, some of the most objectively awful movies ever produced, with cheesy stories, painful dialogue, and a formula so well-trod you can guess plot points so easily you might as well make a drinking game out of it. Netflix, in a race to fill their content coffers, have an entire category of sh-tty holiday rom-coms, which we have divided into three categories: Small Towns, Surprise Royalty, and Fantasy Jobs. Here is a handy viewing guide to small-town themed holiday rom-coms you can stream to your delight and horror.

Christmas Inheritance

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This is a classic “big city girl goes to small town and falls for yokel” holiday rom-com, and while it’s not good, it is watchable thanks to the two leads. With a way better cast than it deserves, this movie will not make you want to drown yourself in a vat of hot cocoa.

Big City Girl: Ellen Langford (Eliza Taylor, The 100), heiress to her family’s gift company fortune. She is the “party heiress” and is out to prove she is ready to take over the family business by dawdling around a small town and learning Important Life Lessons from the wholesome locals.

Local Yokel: Jake (Jake Lacey and his absurdly square jaw), a big city burnout now running the quaint inn. Also he is an artist.

Do The Leads Actually Have Chemistry: No one in these movies ever REALLY has chemistry, the movies are too sexless for that.

Tell Me About The Inn: The inn is Canada’s own Grand Victorian, and it is gorgeous. This is by far the prettiest holiday rom-com inn.

Obligatory Well-Meaning Local: Andie MacDowell.

Is There A Baker And/Or Bake Shop: Yes, the local diner is run by Andie MacDowell, who teaches Ellen to bake gingerbread cookies.

What Is A Gift Company: Hall…mark? Ellen’s family business is not exactly well explained.

What Is The Drinking Game: Drink every time "Silent Night" plays.

The Spirit of Christmas

This is one of the most insane holiday rom-coms I’ve ever seen, and I once watched one of these about a family of bounty hunters played by professional wrestlers. In The Spirit of Christmas, a big city girl goes to a small town and falls for the local ghost. Yes, that’s right. This is about spectrophilia

Big City Girl: Kate (Jen Lilley), a lawyer climbing the ladder. She is put in charge of selling a rural inn as part of a trust agreement.    

Local Yokel: Daniel the dead bootlegger (Thomas Beaudoin). He is a ghost and also cursed, haunting his house as a grumpy human twelve days every year around Christmas.

Do The Leads Actually Have Chemistry: Yes but only because Daniel the dead bootlegger is super hot, even with that proto-Nazi haircut, and would have chemistry with a doorknob.

Tell Me About The Inn: It is not as beautiful as the inn in Christmas Inheritance, and is actually a composite of two separate locations in Massachusetts, the Harding-Allen Estate and the Proctor Mansion Inn

Obligatory Well-Meaning Local: Robert Walsh.

Is There A Baker And/Or Bake Shop: Sadly no.

Does Daniel’s Curse Ever Make Sense: LOL no.

What Is The Drinking Game: Drink every time a new ghost shows up.

 

Christmas in the Smokies

It’s a gender-swapped take on the small-town formula, with a woman struggling to save the family farm when her famous ex comes back town. Christmas in the Smokies is so treacly it will make you vomit.

Big City Girl: Troubled country singer Mason (Alan Powell).

Local Yokel: Farm girl Shelby (Sarah Lancaster).

Do The Leads Actually Have Chemistry: If you squint.

Tell Me About The Inn: There is no inn, but there is a charming country farm.

Obligatory Well-Meaning Local: 

Is There A Baker And/Or Bake Shop: There is a country farm store, does that count?

How much does Mason’s country music suck: SO much. 

What Is The Drinking Game: Drink every time someone references Mason’s country music flame out.
 


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