Harry Styles is who I was talking about in my previous post about Charlize Theron. She’s “shockingly available:”. He’s dated older women before. Don’t tell me he wouldn’t. The only question is whether or not she would. I think she might. Maybe not forever but definitely for a while. I can see it, can’t you?
Here’s Harry out for a run in London this morning with his nail polish on and a health shake in his hand. Is that weird to you, running with that kind of a cup in your hand? If it were me, I’d have an accident. The lid would pop off, or I’d squeeze it too hard and spill it, or I’d just drop it. That may just be me as I almost never run outside. I went for a run outside on Monday because my friend Fiona made me and it was the first time I’d been on an outside run in I can’t remember, probably since before moving to Toronto 6 years ago. Outside running is dangerous if you’re wearing headphones – you don’t know what’s coming up behind you – and I can’t run without headphones, without music. My legs won’t move, I’m serious.
Anyway, speaking of running, here’s what happened to me a couple of weeks ago at the gym. There was a man who was using the treadmill beside me, looked older and ran slower. He ran for less than 10 minutes and got off to do something else and I forgot about him. At the end of my run, still blasting music on my headphones, I went over to the cleaning station to get a spray bottle and paper towels. I was feeling great that day. I’d shaved a few seconds off my time, I was high from whatever endorphins get activated when you’re exercising, and there was a burrito waiting for me at home. When I turned around, though, that dude was in my face, already talking. So I had to slide off one of my headphones to listen to what he was trying to say – which was this: “The way you run is very hard on your body. I just wanted to let you know because you should consider changing it.”
When I got to this part of the story with Duana later on, her face turned red and I swear her eyeballs became volcanoes. In real time though, I was still working up to my own rage. Because he was still mansplaining, still trying to fix my running technique. “You run from the middle of your foot. What you should be doing is heel toe, heel toe, heel toe.”
Before I could open my mouth to remind him that he wasn’t my trainer though, he ended on this:
“You might not feel it now, but you’ll feel it when you get into your 30s and 40s.”
Which, sure, might feel complimentary since I’m already in my 40s and he obviously thought I was in my 20s, but not when you put it together that he clearly thought was I was a young-read-stupid-girl who could benefit from his wisdom. There’s a word for that: patronising. You think he would have done that to a dude? It was all I could do not to spray the vinegar in his face. Instead I said not a word. Just stared at him, then slowly put my one headphone back on my ear. He walked away like he was a martyr and I was the ungrateful bitch. That f-cking guy ruined my high. And now every time I’m back at the gym I’m worried he’s going to try and train me again. Has this ever happened to you? Apparently this is an epidemic. Do we need a sign? There are already too many gym signs. “30 mins max.” “Clean your machine.” “Don’t change the channel.” “Put the weights back.”
What’s one more? “Keep your advice to yourself unless asked.”