I have not been impressed by the trailers for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom thus far, but this new—final—trailer is SO F*CKING RIDICULOUS that I am now kinda feeling this movie. It just looks so dumb. SO DUMB. Exactly how dumb does it look? Does it look “bad guys having a secret black market auction for dinosaurs” dumb? Yes, it looks precisely that dumb because the bad guys ARE having a secret black market auction for dinosaurs! Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom looks like the kind of improbable movie plot they would joke about on Archer. 

So now we know that the dinos are being taken off the island—which is still a volcano, the floor is still lava—in order for rich people to bid on dino pets OH MY GOD and that Chris Pratt and the last surviving velociraptor are going to team up to take down the bad guys THIS IS A REAL MOVIE and the mosasaur is now apparently just out in the ocean eating surfers, which is actually pretty cool and also a nice shout to Spielberg by way of Jaws, and then Chris Pratt dives through the T-Rex’s snapping jaws THAT PEOPLE PAID HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS TO MAKE and apparently there is a new hybrid monster-saur that Chris Pratt and the velociraptor will have to fight AND IS PROBABLY GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER BILLION DOLLARS and they’re going to fight in a little girl’s bedroom BECAUSE THE WORLD WE LIVE IN IS COMPLETELY LUDICROUS.

So yeah, Fallen Kingdom looks like the stupidest thing this side of the Fast/Furious franchise, and ….now…I’m actually down for how dumb it is. If nothing else, it will be incredibad. And I don’t detect the sneering anti-audience tone of Jurassic World, so if we can have all this stupidity without being judged for enjoying the dumb thing you made for us to enjoy, that would be great. Also, after the Super Bowl spot I wrote, “I wish the spot ended with that dino drooling over the girl’s bed. It would be perfect.” Well this trailer ends with the dino drooling over the girl’s bed and it IS perfect.