On this week’s episode of What’s Your Drama, Sasha and I commiserate over not being married to men who can pull off the “baby”, like Channing Tatum. My husband insists he can handle it. He would be wrong. 

So this sounds like a marriage that’s getting off to a really good start. Nicolas Cage is married again. It doesn’t sound like…he wanted to get married again? F-ck I wish I was at this wedding, although I guess it doesn’t really qualify as a wedding. No, but, really, you can get your wedding done in Vegas at a self-service machine now? Like an ATM? There are ATMs for weddings? (Dlisted) 

The college admissions scandal is creating all kinds of unintentionally hilarious headlines. This headline is about…PUNCTUATION. Olivia Jade’s makeup application was rejected partly because of punctuation. I wish we could see what the punctuation problems are. There is another problem though, which is unmentioned here, and that’s spelling. She’s trying to sell makeup kits but she’s actually spelling “makeup” wrong. It’s one word but it looks like she’s spelling it as two words. Should you be able to spell something if you want to sell that thing? (Cele|bitchy) 

WHAT. Whyyyy is this even a contest? Tessa Thompson vs Katy Perry?! All f-cking day Tessa Thompson. Who are the people voting for Katy Perry over Tessa Thompson?! (Go Fug Yourself) 
Today on The Social we talked about bread-sliced bagels – have you heard about this? Some dude brought bagels to work and sliced them up like a loaf of bread and it was an abomination. You know how I know? Because the bagels on our show were sliced. And they ceased to be bagels, they turned into crackers! THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDEA! But even that isn’t as horrible as news anchors trying to talk like kids, f-ck I could barely make it through this video. (Pajiba) 

John Cena has a new girlfriend. Great. Everyone is moving on. I don’t care about his love life though. I care about his hair. I’m still not used to it yet. (TMZ) 

Tom Hanks is known for being really, really nice. His next role is a real-life asshole – he’s playing Colonel Tom Parker in Baz Luhrmanns’ Elvis Presley biopic. Colonel Parker TOTALLY F-CKED Elvis. Will they make him sympathetic? (Variety)