Prince Andrew is starting to “sh-t himself”

That’s it. 

That’s all I got. 

I just want to pack it in here on this post, leave you with that headline, give you the link, and get to another story. But this should be the story – even though there are those actively trying not to make it the main story. 

Yesterday we learned that Prince Andrew cut short his time at Balmoral with the Queen to leave on a private jet. Turns out he was meeting up with Sarah Ferguson who wanted to take him away on a “romantic holiday” to make him feel better about all this Jeffrey Epstein f-cksh-t. They were seen arriving in Malaga. According to the Sun’s Dan Wootton: 

Royal insiders have revealed Andrew, 59, is starting to “s*** himself” over renewed attention after Epstein’s death in a New York jail while awaiting trial for sex-trafficking.

Sources insist Sarah Ferguson intends to show support for her ex-husband publicly — and wants to secure their renewed romantic relationship.

The insider explained: “The Duchess insisted she go on holiday with the Duke to look after him and show the world she stands by him.

“The Duke has been fairly relaxed up to now, he’s starting to s*** himself.

“It’s become the biggest story in the world and he’s at the heart of the coverage.”

Fergie has been resolutely supportive, royal insiders say.

The source added: “She feels this is like the old days when they would take on the world together. She knows she has to get him away from all the headlines.”
 
Turns out there’s actually a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with Andrew starting to sh-t himself. Sh-tting oneself, presumably, is not very royal. I can’t imagine the Queen thinks very highly of having her son make headlines for “starting to sh-t himself”. That a member of the royal family finds himself in a position where he feels like he wants to sh-t himself is about as far from royal as possible, wouldn’t you say? 

Should royals want to sh-t themselves because they were friends with registered sex offenders and child molesters who died under mysterious circumstances in federal detention? 

At no point in this article does the Sun declare that “royals don’t sh-t themselves because their name keeps coming up in relation to an accused rapist sex trafficker of underage girls!” 

What’s more unroyal? Guest-editing a British fashion magazine or attending a dinner party at the home of a dude who thought that “criminalising sex with teenage girls was a cultural aberration”? 

Where’s the op-ed on that? Shockingly it hasn’t happened yet. Instead we have to read about how supportive Fergie is and that she’s standing by her man, as speculation increases over whether or not she and Andrew will formally reconcile. Can we expect a wedding in a couple of months? Is that how we’re going to smooth over this situation? 

As for Andrew and how he’s “starting to sh-t himself”, I appreciate the hilarious attempt at sympathy. Poor Andrew, he’s under so much stress, he might sh-t himself, let’s all feel sorry for him that he accidently stumbled into a photo with his arm around an underage girl as the woman she accused of being her madam stands hovering nearby. If it’s not royal to guest-edit magazines, is it royal to throw oneself a pity party and let the world know that you’re about to sh-t yourself? 

While Prince Andrew sh-ts himself on one page of the Sun, flip a few and you’ll find another story in the paper today about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s trip to Ibiza and how they’re being “slammed” for their massive carbon footprint, since they’re both big on climate change awareness. Prince William and Kate also flew private to Mustique for their family holiday a couple of weeks ago, and William is also a climate change activist but I don’t remember an equivalent article in the Sun blasting them for the same thing. 

The Sun quotes ex-MEP Patrick O’Flynn in their report who says of Harry and Meghan that, “This is really, really, really bad PR. It is the kind of ‘do as I say, not as I do’ behaviour that the British public detests.”

You know what else is really, really bad PR? When you were friends with a dude who died in federal detention after serving a prison sentence for “soliciting prostitution from underage girls and was a registered sex offender” and you can’t explain why your arm is around the girl who’s now accusing that friend of forcing her to have sex with rich, powerful men… WHICH INCLUDES YOU.

Where’s the think-piece on Prince Andrew’s bad PR … OVER THE LAST 15 YEARS? 

Where’s the quote from former politicians and other society experts on what a bad look this is? Where are the essays and editorials about how this man has been the family f-ck-up since well before Meghan Markle’s time and he had a relationship with a man who’s been accused by 80 women “who’ve come forward to say that Epstein molested them when they were girls”.

This has been one of the top international stories for days but instead at the Sun we’re drawing flight maps to chart the Sussex travel plans like this is the scandal of the moment and talking about how poor Andrew had to be whisked way on a romantic holiday because he’s about to sh-t himself. Great visual, by the way. Can we get that in a cartoon?