I am back on my bullsh-t, pondering which fictional characters would or would not thrive in lockdown. We’ve examined the Roy family and the characters of the Star Wars sequel trilogy, so now it is time to turn our attention to the Avengers. For this scenario to work, imagine we are in some indeterminate time before Infinity War, when everyone is alive, and everything is fine. Also, there are a million Avengers now, so I am sticking mostly with the original Avengers, plus a few special guest stars. So how are the Avengers coping in quarantine? Here they are, ranked on an arbitrary scale of Captain America shields.
Tony Stark and Pepper Potts
Honestly, Tony and Pepper are not very visible during the lockdown. There have been a couple generically encouraging public health safety PSAs on their Instagram, but the Avengers’ number one power couple is TOO DAMN BUSY to be f-cking around on social media while self-distancing. Pepper is working her CEO magic to organize relief efforts, including turning Tony’s Iron Man armor maintenance robots to the task of fabricating parts for ventilators. And Tony is locked in his workshop, developing new manufacturing techniques to speed up the pace of production. Tony is celebrated for his death-defying heroics, but really, this is where he shines most—using his engineering skills to improve the lives of others.
Power Ranking: Robot shield
Thor
Being a virtually immortal demi-god means that Thor doesn’t really relate to a public health crisis. People don’t really get sick in Asgard unless it’s part of an ancient curse. However, he does understand grief, and he uses his Twitch stream to provide support and encouragement to the world, being the positive influence everyone needs.
Power Ranking: New shield forged from the heart of a dying star
Captain America
Instagram videos of Cap frowning in displeasure are INSANELY popular online and inspire an entire sub-genre of meme. Cap is old enough to remember the polio, measles, AND tuberculosis epidemics, the latter of which claimed his mother’s life. Himself a survivor of scarlet fever and measles, Cap does not understand the anti-vax movement and has no patience for vaccine-related conspiracy theories. He spends most of his time frowning at the news, and he wishes he knew who was recording him and uploading the videos to the internet.
Power Ranking: The original shield
Bruce Banner/Hulk
For the first time in years, Bruce Banner feels comfortable in his own skin, back in his element as a biochemist. He is working as part of a multi-national team to develop a coronavirus vaccine, and much like Tony, his most important contributions to humanity don’t come when he’s fighting supervillains.
Power Ranking: Radioactive shield
Black Widow
No one’s actually seen Natasha. They think she’s quarantined in Avengers Tower, but no one can prove it. Natasha is keeping her spy skills sharp by practicing long-range surveillance, usually of Cap. Her anonymous Insta is blowing up thanks to his frowny face.
Power Ranking: Who needs shields when you have mace?
Hawkeye
You know when you have too many people in your Zoom meeting and not everyone shows up on your home screen unless they talk? That’s Hawkeye. He’s around, but also, is he, though?
Power Ranking: No shield
Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes
Sam and Bucky accidentally got quarantined together in Washington, DC and everyone is taking bets on who murders whom first. Odds are in Bucky’s favor, because of the whole “brainwashed assassin” thing, but frankly, Sam has been eyeing that bottle of lighter fluid he keeps for the grill more and more. Just one little squirt in Bucky’s coffee and… Actually, he’s not sure that would kill Bucky. He’s not sure what will kill Bucky, but he’s relieving a lot of stress picturing different ways to do it over and over and over…
Power Ranking: Borrowed shield
Peter Parker
Peter Parker has become a full-blown TikTok teen. It has not escaped his notice that Happy Hogan comments on every video featuring Aunt May.
Power Ranking: Gave his shield to the first guy who was nice to him in a bar
T’Challa
Wakanda is the one nation on earth with no cases of coronavirus. An environmentally conscientious populace that prefers not to be trapped on giant floating petri dishes, cruises are not a popular vacation choice for Wakandans. Privately, T’Challa thinks if thousands of white people would stop getting on floating garbage heaps a lot of the world’s problems would be solved, but publicly he is offering aid to international medical relief efforts and collaborating on Tony’s ventilator production project.
Power Ranking: Does not need a shield
Scott Lang
Scott Lang is the undisputed quarantine king. Cassie Lang records “House Arrest Dad’s Daily Isolation Tips” for her TikTok, but it is not a popular feed. Years later, however, the videos will be discovered after Scott is awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom along with the other Avengers. It will remain an unspoken but universally shared thought: THAT jabroni came up with the plan to save the world?!
Power Ranking: Tiny shield
