Reality Recap: Premiere, celebration, merch

Porsha Williams is celebrating a major win in her prenup battle with her ex, Simon Guobadia, who was recently released from ICE custody and deported to Nigeria. Ralph Pittman deserves a peach for the mess he caused this week after he leaked text messages that appear to be from Drew’s phone about her romantic life. Looks like Brynn Whitfield didn’t walk away from Real Housewives of New York, and was fired instead. And Amanda Batula thinks Paige DeSorbos’ departure from Summer House is only temporary.

Real Housewives of Miami delivers a fiery season premiere

This week, the highly-anticipated season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami aired and in true Miami fashion, the cast brought the heat. Between the nine cast members, we were introduced to at least a dozen storylines. And if the first episode is any indication, we’re in for a wild ride.

I mean, we are navigating divorces, couples getting back together, bitter exes, new French lovers, new parenthood journeys, friendship betrayals, life after a cancer diagnosis, and so much more. 

I think one of the key factors of this show’s success is two-fold. First, there are nine women on this show. Nine must be the magic number because do you know what other show has nine women and is incredible? Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. When you have that many women navigating so many different facets of life, drama is pretty much guaranteed. But also, it’s kind of like a mathematical equation – the possibilities for nuance and shifting dynamics within the group just keep increasing.

The second key to this show’s success is that these women are locked the f-ck in! They’re authentic, they’re vulnerable, they’re shady and as an added bonus, they are hilarious, especially Marysol. There are some theories that suggest that because the show was taken off the air and only returned after a hiatus, the stakes are higher for them. In other words, they truly understand the assignment.

Some of the more contentious storylines so far are Alexia getting back with Todd after he filed for divorce – and her not even revealing to her best friend Marysol that they had rekindled, leaving her to find out about it in the press; Julia and Martina adopting two young boys; and Julia’s frustration with Guerdy for having technical difficulties while trying to get on the Zoom call where she’d made the announcement to the cast. And perhaps the most fascinating development is the brewing beef between former besties Larsa and Lisa.

Larsa is frustrated over the fact that Lisa and her new partner, Jody, are still hanging out and remaining in contact with Larsa’s ex, Marcus Jordan. Lisa seems to chalk her still hanging out with Marcus to the fact that Larsa and Marcus have split up several times in the past, and Jody and Marcus being friends. But frankly, Larsa doesn’t give a f-ck. 

The cast seems divided on who to align with. Guerdy feels like Larsa needs to calm down, but Kiki, Alexia and Marysol empathize with her. As Larsa pointed out, she was a good enough friend to Lisa to testify on her behalf in court during her split with Lenny Hochstein, but feels like Lisa can’t respect Larsa enough to put some distance between her and Marcus, who is on a mission to tear Larsa down and going to the extent of texting her friends to cause damage. This is the kind of drama Real Housewives fans are living for – and the only other show coming close enough to delivering this much drama is The Valley. 

Brittany’s friends rally in The Valley

Speaking of The Valley, things continue to get darker and darker. But luckily for Brittany, she’s working on finding her way back to the light.

This week, Brittany learns that Jax’s manipulation from rehab continues after he forced a secretary (or was it his actual therapist? Kind of unclear) at the facility to lie on his behalf in order to give Brittany the impression he was on his way to the hospital. 

Later, we see Brittany’s friends come over to the house for a packing party. There was a part of me that was nervous she had invited them over to help her prepare for Jax’s return, but they came to help her pack up all of his sh-t. Yes! 

I think my favourite part of the whole packing party, besides the incredible selection of calories and carbs, was Kristen packing Jax’s shoes in separate bags to inconvenience him. There is a certain level of petty that is needed to deal with Jax Taylor in any capacity and Kristen is fully aware of that. A true friend.

The night after the packing party, the group takes her for a night out at Jax’s bar. Except on this special occasion, they rebranded the bar to be called Britt’s. They had custom shirts made, draped over the signage on the bar. They really went all out. And seeing Britt’s community rally around her reminds us of how important it is to lean on your people in hard times. And we know it must’ve been a hard time because she had just visited a lawyer earlier that day.

It was a tearful watch for me, seeing her in the divorce attorney’s office. What made me emotional was seeing her reveal to the lawyer some of the details about how Jax was treating her, even while in rehab. The disgusting text messages, the threats, the control, the manipulation. As I’ve said before, we’re getting a real-life case study of what abuse can look like, even when it’s not physical.

But what made me the most emotional, by far, was seeing Brittany’s self-awareness and strength, especially since she’s caught a lot of flack online for staying as long as she did. At one point, she said, “I’m just so terrified that I’m going to allow him to slowly make his way back into my life so I really need to go ahead and rip the bandaid off, get this process started and move on with my life.” The lawyer remarked that she didn’t even cry during their meeting which could be an indication that after months of processing, she’s finally ready.

Elsewhere in the cast, Michelle is, for some reason, thinking she deserves the same support being offered to Brittany, referring to her separation from Jesse as “worse” than what Brittany has endured. I mean, that’s debatable, but the girl is also navigating the slow decline of her mom’s health as she battles an advanced form of cancer.

And of course, the cast is still on Danny’s ass for his drinking to an extent we’ve never seen them be on Jax. But a lot of social media users are united in the fact that you could never make us hate Danny and Nia, who have the healthiest relationship by far (and they just welcomed their fourth baby!). Keep that energy for Janet and Jax, who remain uncontested for the most unlikeable people on Bravo, Hayu and any other network or streaming platform airing the show.

The people vs. Paige’s pricing

Last week, I wrote about Paige’s announcement that she was leaving Summer House (by the way, there are a bunch of fake show exits circulating online and Carl’s was one of them. He’s not leaving after all. Yay?). Her second announcement was about her line of sleepwear, which she named after her cat, Daphne. 

Despite an initial warm reception, people are starting to question the pricing for what appears to be a pretty regular line of clothing, save for the stitching of “DAPHNE” along the hemlines.

I mean, the critics obviously aren’t making too many waves because her entire collection is sold out, much thanks to her army of Gigglers, who she thanked in recent podcast episodes for their overwhelming support.

But the fact that there are whispers among social media users who are questioning the $68 price tag of “The Hannah Tee” and the nearly $100 sticker on “The Catnap Cardigan” is telling. I think there are two camps – the first is the people who will pay whatever price for whatever item a person is selling based solely on who the person is. The second camp are the people who will support the person, just not enough to make decisions that don’t make sense…like paying $100 for a wisely-named cardigan. Particularly in this economy.

Some of the other feedback has been that Paige could’ve been more creative, with everything from the fashion to the name. Some suggest it would’ve been wise for her to call the line something pertaining to “Bed Bugs” since there was an entire party, called the Snoozefest, inspired by her and Ciara’s habitual bed rotting. 

Either way, Paige has been vocal on her podcast about the pride she takes in developing this line from start to finish. I think after spending as many years as she has on reality TV, she’s used to naysayers – so the sh-t talk is nothing that a nap can’t fix.