Dear Gossips,

It’s not even an Olympic summer and we’re getting a Ryan Lochte story. Ryan has been suspended from swimming for 14 months for a doping violation. He was not using PEDs. He was getting an IV vitamin drip exceeding the amount allowed by the US Anti-Doping Agency. And they found out about it because he posted a photo of it on Instagram. So, basically, he busted himself. 

It’s amazing, really. That he’s been able to win the medals that he’s won. That he’s been able to get this far in life. Imagine all the help he’s had along the way, all the chances he’s had, all the opportunities that others - just as talented and hardworking - may have been denied, not to mention the benefit of the doubt. 

Lochte was never my thing. I was always for Phelps. Like, Phelps has the wayyyyy better body, non? Lochte’s body always reminds me of the kid from Parenthood, the movie. The youngest child of Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen. Justin. You know when they have that cowboy-themed birthday party for Kevin and at the end of the night Justin dresses up in nothing but a cowboy hat and a gun belt? Ryan Lochte is Justin grown up. 

That said, no conversation about Lochte is complete without including my favourite article ever written about Ryan Lochte - Erin Gloria Ryan’s “10 Reasons Why Ryan Lochte is America’s Sexiest Douchebag”.  I read this piece, which is now almost six years old, every time he comes up. I still laugh as hard as I did then, from the very top of the post, beginning with the “appletinis” and it gets better and better from there. If you haven’t already, enjoy. 

Yours in gossip,