When the Detective Pikachu trailer came out, I said, “Let’s get REAL WEIRD”. I am now revising my statement, because we have a trailer for a live-action Sonic the Hedgehog movie and I did not mean we should get THIS weird. This is about ten miles past how weird I am willing to get. I don’t even know where to start with this, but it’s going to be somewhere around Sonic’s discombobulating dancer’s legs and end up around his human teeth. Stop giving animated critters human teeth! It is horrifying! This Sonic is an abomination, and we should kill it by fire.

Also, this movie looks bad. Detective Pikachu comes across as unhinged enough to just maybe work. Sonic, though, looks pretty straightforward. Sonic is just out here running around, accidentally causing problems, and he has to save the world from evil Dr. Robotnik (circa 1994 Jim Carrey). And he is an alien? I never paid enough attention to Sonic lore to know if he is an alien or not. Frankly, the whole world of Sonic scares me. People are Very Intense about Sonic, he has an enormous fandom online (and sometimes it’s funny). So I realize I am taking my own life into my hands when I say that CG Sonic frightens me, and also, his movie looks like sh-t. Oh, kids will probably like it, because their brains are unformed which makes them susceptible to fast movement and bright colors. But unlike Detective Pikachu, which looks like it might entertain adults, too, Sonic looks strictly for the kiddies.

Can I just say? That James Marsden deserves better? I do not know what this physically perfect specimen of charming man did to deserve such an also-ran career, but it boggles my mind that someone as multi-talented as Marsden—he acts! He sings! He’s funny! He’s dramatic!—is stuck in movies like this. He should be the Amy Adams of dudes, but somehow he is the James Marsden of dudes. I feel like we should all apologize to James Marsden for not making him a bigger deal, and now he has to star in this terrible looking movie with a creepy CG hellbeast with human teeth. I am sorry, James Marsden. I am so sorry.