Lily Allen is opening up about how, despite loving being a mother, her two kids got in the way of her reaching her full potential as an artist. On yesterday’s episode of the Radio Times Podcast, she jokingly said:
“My children ruined my career…I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop stardom, totally ruined it.”
Let’s change that jokingly to half-jokingly, actually, because kids can definitely get in the way of your success, especially when you have them back-to-back like Lily did. She and Sam Cooper’s kids are currently 11 and 12. They were married for most of the 2000s, and when they split, she started dating David Harbour from Stranger Things, ultimately tying the knot with him in 2020.
According to the timeline, Lily was in the throes of motherhood a few years after releasing her first few albums. It’s not like she wasn’t going anywhere, musically, considering she did get a Grammy nom for Best Alternative Music Album in 2006. In 2009, she released her second album, It’s Not Me, It’s You. But then there was a five-year gap while she took time off to raise her daughters. And when she came back in 2014 with her album, Sheezus, not only did she headline her own tour, but she also opened for Miley Cyrus on her Bangerz tour.
It can be really difficult to succeed as an alternative music artist. I have many hits in my playlists from musicians that were either never to be heard from again or remain super niche, to the point that you’re immediately bonded to people who you discover also know that really unknown song. And considering the early part of her come-up was before services and platforms like Spotify and Apple Music, which not only gives a platform to so many more musicians, but makes them more discoverable, the fact that she was nominated for a Grammy is no small feat.
But in that same vein, it makes me question what, exactly, is to blame for her not having greater success – is it really the fault of little Ethel and Marnie?
A five-year hiatus in any industry will make a triumphant return next to impossible. Whether you’re in finance, tech, marketing, and especially Hollywood, taking that long of a break can definitely impact the reception to your return. And even still, after that multi-year hiatus, she returned in 2018 to release one more album, entitled No Shame and headlined the tour in 2018 and 2019. In the years since, she says she remained home with her daughters, refuting the belief that she can pursue her music career and be a good mom.
“It really annoys me when people say you can have it all because, quite frankly, you can’t.”
It’s always interesting to note how differently women and men in Hollywood (and outside of Hollywood) talk about the impact having children has had on their life. Because in so many cases, men discuss their own personal challenges with parenting. And while women certainly discuss their personal challenges, we see them discussing the professional challenges that come with parenthood, too, which, for obvious reasons, are far less likely to impact men.
Take Bradley Cooper for example, who just a few weeks ago sat down for an appearance on the Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard and opened up about his difficulties bonding with his daughter, Lea, for the first several months.
“I don’t even know if I really love the kid,” he recalled. “It’s dope. It’s cool. I’m watching this thing morph…then all of a sudden, it’s like no question,” he said of finally feeling the fatherly love kick in when she was nearing a year old.
His sentiments about fatherhood are first and foremost, very honest. And that level of honesty is refreshing. And while so many women in Hollywood (and again, outside of Hollywood) have opened up about the difficulties of parenting, so much of that narrative is about how motherhood not only impacted them personally, but professionally through their work, their career, their livelihood.
As a working mother myself, I know the fear that comes with pondering the impact of parenthood on your career. When I had my daughter, I was a freelance employee for a media company. And due to not having full-time status, I made the very difficult decision to go back to work after just three months so that the company knew I was serious and wouldn’t close the doors on me when I made my (not so triumphant) return to work.
Returning to work early is something many women in Hollywood do. Heck, some of them don’t take any time off at all. Rihanna debuted her baby bump while doing the Superbowl halftime show. And back in 2022, Brenda Song opened about in a feature in The Cut about how she juggled work and first-time parenthood, saying:
“I had no idea what I was doing. I went back to work so early. It was harder than I thought. I pride myself on always being first on set. So to be like, ‘Hey, I need 20 minutes to pump,’ was difficult.”
Another star who opened up about the difficulties of balancing her career and motherhood is Once Upon A Time’s Jamie Chung, who said that she “fought parenthood” over concerns she might lose her identity.
“As a working person and seeing my mom who did everything for us…She is the hardest worker I know. She worked two jobs, bought the house, kept a roof over our heads, like she did everything for us. But she kind of lost her identity. And so, I was terrified of that."
One commonality that Lily and Jamie have both expressed is the impact their parents had on their parenting choices. Lily spoke directly to that back in 2018 in an interview with The Guardian, saying:
“Neither of my parents was particularly good at parenting, so it wasn’t a skillset that I had. I sort of assumed it would all just happen naturally. And it didn’t. And I think that was the trigger for my postnatal depression.”
I think the takeaway here is that parenting is hard – period. Whether you’re a mom or a dad, the adjustment is difficult. But I think for women, there is a much wider range of changes happening. Physical changes against the backdrop of avain industry, which is why Halsey spoke about how strange it was to receive compliments on her body when she made an SNL appearance shortly after giving birth. Emotional and hormonal changes that are often incredibly difficult to navigate. And identity changes that, to Lily’s point, pose a direct challenge to your ability to give yourself to either your career or your children, but perhaps not both.
Earlier in this piece I asked whether little Ethel and Marnie are responsible for Lily not making it quite as far as she may have hoped in her music career. And to be clear, I don’t think that’s what Lily is implying at all. I think what Lily is trying to say is that it’s tough to be in two places at once. And while some women are able to handle offloading certain responsibilities to push forward in their career, others want to do it themselves. And my hope is that as more women and men continue to speak out about the reality of being a parent in Hollywood (and for the last time, even outside of it), that people appreciate that both of these choices are totally okay.
