It is here, it is now, it is nigh—the Top Gun: Maverick premiere is happening at Cannes. And, I am shocked and upset to report, as of this writing, there is no Lady Gaga. I repeat, there is NO Lady Gaga. And I was SO looking forward to her and Tom Cruise engaging in some kind of intensity-off on the Croisette! Oh well, there’s still a ton of handsome dudes and the divine Jennifer Connelly to look at. Also, Tom Cruise did a Q&A earlier, and it was predictably unhinged.


When I say “unhinged”, I say it with sincere affection, because no one is famous like Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise does “being famous” better than almost anyone. There is a lot of other stuff we can talk about regarding Tom Cruise, the stuff about Xenu, the kids caught in the middle of his divorces (also Xenu related), but when it comes to being a celebrity, there is just no one like Cruise. The way he understands it, the way he uses it, the places he elects to apply his clout, like using his considerable A-list cachet to keep Maverick a theatrical exclusive for TWO YEARS. He personally called theater owners to reassure them he was on their side during the pandemic!

I mean, of course he did. Of COURSE he did. Of course, HE did. 


And he’s so good at the Q&A, naturally, he’s like a perfect spokesmodel for Tom Cruise: The Business at this point. Just look at his responses. They’re perfectly timed, perfectly calibrated, all delivering maximum Tom Cruise on every hit. Look at this:

No one! Asked Gene Kelly! “Why do you dance?”! It’s like he’s got a teleprompter in his brain, feeding him the perfect line for every question, every occasion. Read Kyle Buchanan’s whole thread recapping the Q&A, it’s worth it, especially for the references to Taps, an early film in Cruise’s repertoire.


And now, back to the Croisette. Cruise is not a wild dresser, so he turned up in a normal tux. He looks fine. The haircut is A Choice for a man his age, and I wish Gaga was there to force the intensity to an eleven, but she’s not so it’s just a Cruise standard ten. 

Miles Teller is present, with his wife Keleigh Sperry, in an ivory three-piece tux. I mean, he tried.

Jennifer Connelly looks SMASHING, but it’s hard not to when you have THAT FACE.

And then there is the quadrangle of hotness: Greg Tarzan Davis (in a BEAUTIFUL salmon colored tux), Jay Ellis, Jon Hamm, and my dear, my beloved, Glen Powell. At last, Glen Powell is back on movie screens, where he belongs. He hasn’t been on screen since 2018.



I know there was a pandemic and everything, but STILL. This is too long. Never put Glen Powell in a corner again. It upsets me too much. It upsets me almost as much as the lack of Lady Gaga at this premiere. Oh well. Maybe she’ll be at the royal premiere in the UK tomorrow. Royals, Gaga, Cruise—now THAT has some high drama potential.