Shailene Woodley - Stirring the Algorithmic Pot?

And now, a conspiracy theory.  You may join me in my speculation or you may dismiss my delusion – either is acceptable.

Suppose you’re Shailene Woodley, and things are going, honestly, really well. You continue to be an acclaimed actress, and your recurring role on Season 2 of the extremely popular series Paradise goes so well that you are nominated for an Emmy Award for Guest Performance in a series.

…which you then win!

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(Sidebar, how utterly cute is Jeff Hiller in this clip, and that outfit?)

But, possibly because your ex is jealous and bitter, he decides to go on a podcast and discuss what you may or may not have said about whether or not there was someone you ‘needed to go f-ck’ before you could marry him. And – let’s be clear, while he clearly means for this story to make you look bad, you obviously made the right decision not marrying him! Well done.

But now, instead of everyone talking about your talent and your Emmy win, suddenly the headlines are about who you may have needed to f-ck and how great that need must have been and what kind of name would have made a sentiment like that justified.  Which is brutal.

Because there’s no way to win against that kind of press. If you run around saying it’s false and he was lying, it looks like he said, she said, and he got their first. If you say ‘yeah actually, I did, but here’s why’ you wind up feeding the flames.

But if, like the clever little fox you are, you decide to choose a highly divisive Balenciaga outfit to wear at the Big Show, knowing as you do that everyone has been trying hard to be diplomatic about red carpet outfits and will sprain themselves trying and failing not to react, well…

Then everyone would be talking about something else, wouldn’t they?

You might, if you were particularly intent on changing the narrative, decide you didn’t even need to go to your final fitting, and let the fabric folds fall where they may. On the other hand, maybe you did, and the ensemble is exactly as it was meant to be, from the runway to the eager screens of everyone pinching and zooming, trying to figure out exactly what you were thinking when you chose it. 

And even though on paper you might know nothing about SEO tactics, you can nonetheless rest easy in the knowledge that you’ve started a new conversation about yourself – one that loser ex of yours can’t insert himself into, much as he may try.

PS – Speaking of stirring the pot, I learned that John Mulaney’s remarks were censored in the US! So, if you felt like admiring our country, please know we Canadians heard him say “I believe it was DJ Khaled who said, “real men don’t go down on their wives”, but…” with his whole chest, unfettered. To paraphrase Sally Field, blessed are we in Canada, you know?