US Weekly went with Tom Cruise on the cover of the new issue this week. According to the magazine, Tom has finally spent some time with Suri, flying her out to see him a couple of times in the summer but keeping it on the low because he’s discreet like that. According to Gossip Cop however, Tom hasn’t seen Suri in three years. And Katie Holmes’s rep even told Gossip Cop that, “The story is false”. For what it’s worth Gossip Cop also insists that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx aren’t dating and have never been dating so they have a direct line to Katie’s publicist and appear to be committed to helping them further whatever version of the truth Katie wants to present. But whatever, this is not a post about Tom’s parenting. This is a post about Tom’s dating.

US Weekly claims he’s serious about a secret girlfriend. They’ve been together since at least June and spend most of their time in England. Supposedly she’s a British woman, “very normal and pretty”, and that, in addition to romantic minibreaks in the countryside, they’ve also been hanging out with Tom’s sister. First of all, can we define “normal”? Because my normal and your normal are probably not the same. And our normal and HIS normal…well…

His normal is his devotion to a church that believes the source of our evils are the remnants of alien spirits living inside of us, or something? You get the point. The point is I need to know what “very normal and pretty” and dating Tom Cruise is like. Also, if she’s been around his family members, does that mean that she, you know, is down with Scientology? If it’s “serious”, that’s an expectation, non? Or have the rules been adjusted to accommodate Scientology Neo? Maybe only Tom Cruise is allowed to date without requiring his girlfriends to come to Xenu.

The last time Tom had a girlfriend he got her pregnant, married her, and invited all of us to participate. (Then we also participated in her escape, a clandestine exit planned with military precision.) In a way, we’ve always participated in his love life. He and Nicole Kidman in Days Of Thunder. He and Nicole introducing us to Isabella and Connor. Hearing about how, when he dyed his hair blonde for Interview With The Vampire, she squealed and jumped into his arms when she saw it for the first time, and that anecdote was meant to tell us that she was super attracted to his Lestat.

So the idea that Tom is in a serious relationship with someone and that he’s keeping it undercover? I don’t understand this. And, frankly, I feel resentfully left out.