Two new projects are on the table, involving high-profile filmmakers and/or actors, so I am here to do a highly scientific and thoroughly researched threat assessment to determine whether or not these potential new films pose any risk to the public. First up, a sequel to Nineties cult classic Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion. Tim Federle, creator of High School Musical: The Musical: The Series is on board to direct, and stars Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow are in talks to reprise their roles as loveable ditzes Romy and Michele.
Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion is a great movie featuring great characters. Do we NEED a sequel? No, but nobody really NEEDS anything except oxygen, water, and food. A Romy and Michele sequel is gravy on the potato of life, and like gravy, it has a high potential to be delicious. It’s almost thirty years since the first film, which portrayed Romy and Michele attending their ten-year reunion. Now, they would be going to their FORTY-year reunion, a very different proposition. Also, social media exists now. Do not tell me you’re not curious about what Romy and Michele are like in the social media age. They might be influencers! I am at least curious to see what a Romy and Michele sequel is like, and damn, it’s always good to see Mira Sorvino on screen.
Threat level: Low
The other new project up for assessment is a new film from M. Night Shyamalan, which is based on an original story co-created by Shyamalan and Nicholas Sparks. It’s a “supernatural romantic thriller” and Shyamalan and Sparks are respectively writing a script AND a novel based on their idea. So, there will be a movie from M. Night Shyamalan and a novel from Nicholas Sparks based on the same concept/characters that they co-created.
This is absolutely chilling news, two notoriously hammy and quite frequently awful storytellers are collaborating, they will only make each other worse. Someone please, I am begging you, stop this nonsense now.
Unfortunately, we cannot count on Jake Gyllenhaal to be the voice of reason. He is going to star in the film, which Shyamalan is writing and directing. Gyllenhaal is the kind of actor who can make hay with even the most nonsensical script, and if I squint, I can see how he could deliver a very fun performance in a Shyamalan joint. Jake G knows when to dial it up, he’s very good at playing losers, psychopaths, and generally chilling people.
But that also means there is a high probability he will take whatever rubbish Shyamalan hands him and run with it, which means we could be in for another Trap situation, in which an actor gives a great performance in a piece of cinematic poppycock. We’re just enabling Shyamalan at this point. He has no incentive to write better scripts when talented actors keep turning his rubbish into reasonably entertaining claptrap.
Only this time it’s worse, because we’re enabling Nicholas Sparks and HIS brand of narrative nonsense, too. I can absolutely live without a story about how some bitch city gal ruined the life of a perfectly nice hick happy to play with boats and never leave his hometown except his waterfront Victorian is haunted. Someone pump the brakes on this before it’s too late!
Threat level: HIGH
