I just wrote about the potential importance of BlacKkKlansman. Adam Driver is in Cannes in support of Spike Lee’s film. I want to establish that I know the serious subject matter of BlacKkKlansman and that I respect it before I go low classy and turn this into a conversation about Adam Driver’s attractiveness.
When Lainey emailed me about this she asked, “You’re a Star Wars person, right? Are you hot for Kylo Ren?” First of all, I do love Star Wars but I don’t want the (bigger) nerds to come for me so I’ll admit that Duana’s 4-year-old son probably knows more about Star Wars galactic history than I do. To my credit, he is a smartest kid I know and he’s been to Jedi training. Ask Duana. It’s as cool as it sounds. I digress. I do know Episodes IV – VI off by heart and I’m there for every opening night of every one of these movies (yes, I’ll even be there for Solo) but I don’t want to falsely claim to be a “Star Wars person” in case Sarah sends me a nerd aptitude pop quiz. This is 100 per cent something Sarah would do. I digress.
So to answer Lainey’s question, I am not hot for Kylo Ren. In fact, I think Adam Driver is the opposite of attractive. There is not an ounce of me that finds this man good-looking. Are we fighting? I think he’s a talented actor, sure, but if we’re playing my favourite game – the Lainey Hotness Litmus Test – he’s failing for me every time. My co-worker Andrea thinks this is because I only made it through a season of Girls and Adam was THE WORST. He was the Jar Jar Binks of boyfriends. I don’t think it’s because he’s not a conventional pretty boy. He’s been told that his face is “unusual”, whatever that means, but that’s not my issue. Benedict Cumberbatch’s face is weird as f-ck but I understand the attraction.
I haven’t exactly put my finger on it yet but I can’t get on board with the Internet’s collective thirst for Adam Driver. The Kylo Ren shirtless scene in The Last Jedi did nothing for me. You can throw some abs on a snivelling, bratty man child and he’s still a snivelling, bratty man child. That’s how I feel about Kylo Ren. Also, in what world do Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher procreate to make Adam Driver? IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE BIOLOGICALLY.
I don’t feel as strongly about Adam Driver as I do about Kylo Ren but Adam has yet to prove that he deserves to be the object of your affection. Where’s his swagger? Where’s his charisma? What role of Adam Driver’s makes your intestines hum? That’s how Michael Bae Jordan makes me feel. I want the same for you and your celebrity crush. If Adam Driver does all these things for you, feel free to yell at me.