Well it’s finally happening. The wedding of the year? This isn’t even the wedding of the weekend. 

 

There’s been a steady stream of breathless reporting around Lauren Sánchez and Jeff Bezos, two glasses of curdled milk, but nothing substantive has leaked so I’m making a few predictions.

The wedding dress? Ugly.

The suit? Snug.

The shoes? Disaster.

The bald head? Sunburned.

The makeup? Cakey.

The hair? Frizzy.

The toasts? Cringey.

The music? Basic.

The photo booth? Cheap.

The menu? Boring.

The guest list? Sweaty.

 

OK, wait. 

Am I being too hard on Lauren and Jeffrey…………………

NO. We aren’t being hard enough. As we watch the “star-studded” guestlist arrive in Venice, please note that this is the same boring group that is always around these two farts trapped under a comforter. 

Ivanka Trump, who is as exclusive as an ingrown toenail and just as popular. Oprah and Gayle? Side-eye, I think Montecito has been bad for Oprah’s aura. Eva Longoria? Seems like a nice person, friends with loads of shady money people (this goes back literally years).

 

Orlando Bloom? Respectfully, who cares. 

Karlie Kloss? I’m understanding Taylor Swift’s position more and more as the years go by. Salma Hayek? This is her lane now and relatedly, the more she hangs out with these types the worse her style gets even though her family owns half of the fashion business.

A Kardashian? Disrespectfully, who cares. Leonardo DiCaprio? BAHAHAHAHA. Nothing says “close friend” like someone who will go out of his way to not be photographed anywhere near your wedding. Wendi Deng? Maybe, I’m not saying anything because she scares me. 

 

Does this scream American royalty? No, American royalty is getting married in a chapel wearing Narciso Rodriguez. Getting married in a city in Italy (a city that doesn’t even want you there!) and wearing Dolce & Gabbana (probably) is second-string Kardashian behaviour.

Did you know Lauren describes herself as a “philanthropist”? To whom? Katy Perry???? There is no bottom to her taste. She’s probably going to throw a Labubu instead of a bouquet. 

Oh but I’m sure they are making generous donations to the Jeff & Lauren’s School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good. The library is just endless shelves of Lauren’s children’s book. It’s about a brave woman who rises above the difficult circumstances in her life to learn to fly. 

Is this anti-woman? I think at a time like this, it’s important to confer with the sacred texts:

 

When has Lauren EVER showed up for women in a way that doesn’t directly benefit her ego? Abortion rights? Maternity leave? Women’s health care? Hell no, to the no no no. These are not the concerns of Girl Boss Amelia Earhart.

And Jeff… well it’s simplistic to diagnose him with late bloomer Revenge of the Nerds syndrome but that’s too easy. The only thing more embarrassing than his swole arms are his suits. One day Corey Stoll will play him in an eviscerating biopic and win an Oscar for it.

The thing about these two mouldy sponges is that they can’t accept how deeply pathetic they are. Even Elon Musk knows he is widely loathed (which is why he lashes out like a toddler who missed their nap). The shameless way they present themselves as more erudite and evolved than other people is what is offensive. It is our civic duty to dislike them and make them uncomfortable because they insist not just on their greed, but on peacocking for our admiration. 

 

They are predatory hogs. They are leeches. They are actively making the world a worse place and should be reminded of that every single day of their lives. They should never feel the cool side of a pillow and always have Lego under their feet.

Gossip is in many ways an even playing field: you can be the wealthiest person in the world, quite literally, and you still can’t make people respect you or like you or want to be you. Pick literally any reality TV star and they are more liked than this titan of industry, and there’s absolutely nothing their PR team can do about it.

a woman making a funny face with the word ser written on her chest

 

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