It’s not that I am unaware that everything sucks right now. The January 6 hearings continue, providing a daily stream of terrifying reminders of how close we were—are?—to losing our democracy, Netflix just laid off 300 more people who probably didn’t have anything to do with the financial decisions that have driven the company to the brink, and everything is expensive and sh-tty. It feels like the world has done nothing but get worse over the last few years, and I often find myself wondering what the point of this, or anything, is. I swing between extremes of wanting to bury my head in the sand and consuming so much breaking news it becomes existentially insupportable. Lately, I’ve been working on a happy medium, of staying informed without giving into soul-swallowing despair and giving myself mental and emotional breaks without ignoring the important things happening around me. Thus, allow me to provide a five-minute mental respite from The Latest Horrible News with this information that, truly, deserves a few minutes of our time:
Guy Fieri is in the Tom Brady comedy movie.
This is, perhaps, one of the more bonkers sentences I have ever written. But every word of it is true. Guy Fieri, famed chef and diner aficionado, is in the movie, which is a comedy, about Tom Brady, which Tom Brady is also in. We first heard about this movie back in February, and it is as 100% real now as it was then. More real, even, because now it is in production. Hundreds of people are currently invested in making a comedy movie about and starring Tom Brady. There is so much evidence that the matrix is malfunctioning, but this just might take the cake. To refresh: the film is based on real events about four friends—unbelievably played by Lily Tomlin, Sally Field, Jane Fonda, and Rita Moreno—going on a road trip to see the Patriots play in the 2017 Super Bowl.
Guy Fieri, drive-in demigod, is now part of this cinematic endeavor. This is AMAZING. This is SUPERB. This is STUNNING, this is REMARKABLE. The Hollywood Reporter says it’s just a cameo—good. If it was more than that, if Guy Fieri, dive devotee, were to ACT in this comedy movie about Tom Brady and starring Tom Brady, humanity might not survive. It would be Too Much. Guy Fieri can pop up anywhere, anytime, as himself, it’s part of his platinum hedgehog charm. He pops up in wild heist stories and serious philanthropic endeavors, nothing and no one is safe from the potential of Guy Fieri. There was a time when we mocked Guy Fieri, but that time is past. Now, we embrace Guy Fieri for always being himself, for never changing despite the whims of popular tastes, for, and I mean this, championing the mom-and-pop operations that dot the American food landscape and define local cuisine.
And now he will be in the Tom Brady comedy movie! On my list of potentially interesting films there is Greta Gerwig’s Barbie (what does she have that everyone wants?), Elizabeth Banks’ Cocaine Bear (the title alone!), Renfield (Nicolas Cage fulfilling his destiny of playing Dracula), and 80 For Brady, the Tom Brady comedy movie about Tom Brady that Tom Brady also stars in. Billy Porter has also joined the cast, which, yes, secure your bag, Billy Porter. And please, please tell us some amazing Guy Fieri story when press for this movie rolls around. I hope everyone involved emerges with a Guy Fieri story. It’s the mental vacation we deserve.
Live long and gossip,