I read a few headlines this weekend about Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez’s “surprise” engagement. I’m sorry, excuse me, how was this a surprise? Gossip has been waiting for them to get engaged since the day we found out they were dating. Anyway, let’s talk about this ring. 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

It’s the ideal ring, really it is. It’s my favourite celebrity engagement ring of all the celebrity engagement rings we’ve seen during this recent celebrity engagement boom. (Jennifer Lawrence’s is in second place.) I’m partial to an emerald cut and, well, who isn’t partial to this monster? This rock is a freak. But, then again, was there anyone out there expecting it to be understated? 

Since the dawn of JRod, what I’ve always said is that they’re the pairing that I can’t believe we’d never thought of before. OF COURSE JLo and ARod are together. When you found out, your reaction was to nod, uh huh, yeah that’s right. And this engagement announced is an extension of that. Notice that he made sure her nails were perfect. That is a fresh ass manicure. Because, naturally, ARod would make sure of that. Ben Affleck f-cking wouldn’t. But these two have been a Partnership from the very beginning. These are the ways they are completely matched…until they aren’t. 

In the most random development, Jose Canseco, also a former baseball player (for those of you who don’t follow sports, or know about old sportos), has decided to inject (too obvious?) himself into the relationship:

 

 

 

My favourite! Boy Sh-t is the best sh-t! You know I love sh-t. Which is why I also love a classic Sh-t vs Diarrhoea situation. And this is suuuuuch a classic Sh-t vs Diarrhoea situation. On the one hand, the sh-t hand, you have ARod and all his attendant past sh-ttiness. On the other hand, the diarrhoea hand, there’s Jose Canseco, who may even be sh-ttier than ARod. Also, Jose does this thing on Twitter where he’s always trying to fight people. He wants to fight ARod. 

So…what is this? Does Jose actually know something or is he trying to manufacture some hostility to get into the ring and make some money in a fight or for a new reality show because, well, just a few years ago he was talking about how broke he was. He blamed it on divorce and taxes. By the way, before those divorces, during the marriages, he was arrested and charged for beating his wives so… is it really “divorce’s” fault that the millions he made from baseball are no longer in his bank account? 

Alex Rodriguez, on the other hand, has managed to pull off a major public relations turnaround. Three years ago, he was despised. Now he’s an entrepreneur who’s been mentored by Warren Buffett, is a respected baseball commentator, and is engaged to one of the biggest superstars in the world after proposing to her with an estimated 15 karat diamond worth anywhere from $1.5 million to $4 million…but has he totally shaken off the stink? 

See? Sh-t vs Diarrhoea. 

I have a hard time believing that JLo will be paying attention to any of Jose’s accusations though. JLo is really, really good at ignoring warning signs (see everyone she’s ever dated and/or marriage or been engaged to) – and, again, we don’t even know if this is a legit warning sign. 

So…when’s the wedding? How big will it be? You know what Carrie Bradshaw said about her wedding dress and the kind of wedding she had to have because of that Vivienne Westwood wedding dress? Does a wedding have to match the size of the ring? Can you see JLo and ARod doing an intimate wedding? Or will it be a f-cking spectacle?