The first draft of this post was about Scarlett Johansson’s ever-growing back tattoo, and my defense, as someone who has tattoos, of what looks like a theme piece growing on her back. BUT THEN SHE PULLED OUT THE JOST. And the tattoos went in the electrical garbage can. Yes, that’s right, at the Infinity War premiere, ScarJo bonafided Colin Jost on the carpet. Look at him. Look at the look on his face. He knows. He knows he now must be recognized as Scarlett Johansson’s bonafide boyfriend. We can’t write him off as a hook-up or even refer to him by the word his name inspired. Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson are dating. It’s real. I think her picker might be broken. He’s not even the most interesting guy on SNL! Like, if she wants to date a comedian, why not a good one? 

We should have known it was coming, after she posed for photos with him inside an event last December. She’s been steadily upgrading Jost for months, and now they’re red carpet official (technically purple, I’m not blind, but there is only so much I can handle right now). This is like if Angelina Jolie started dating like…who’s a really bland, mediocre dude who thrives because he went to Harvard? I dunno, oatmeal? It would be like if Angelina Jolie announced she was dating a bowl of oatmeal. That’s what this is to me. Scarlett Johansson is dating human oatmeal.