BEHOLD, Beauty and the Beast
Last year, I mentioned I was excited about Ewan McGregor starring in the live-action version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. But then, Duana, the resident musical dork, was unenthused by the teaser. Well now Entertainment Weekly has released the first image from the film—the iconic Yellow Dress ballroom shot—and down is up and right is left because Duana is reminiscing about Ron Perlman in lion makeup from the Saturday night TV show in the 1980s, but I am OVERJOYED by this first look at Dan Stevens wearing a computer as the Beast. Look at his CAT FACE and his HORNS and his HUMAN HAIR. He looks like Simba had sex with a Na’vi. I LOVE THIS.
Also please note the nuance of Emma Watson’s expression as Belle. Look at her finely furrowed brows, the slight wrinkle of her nose, the pinch of her eyes. She cannot CONTAIN her DISGUST. Who cares how the Yellow Dress looks when Belle is trying to FLEE her CAPTOR. (But also recall that the first bit of Cinderella marketing was merely whelming and that movie turned out pretty great.)
There are also photos of Luke Evans and Josh Gad as Gaston and Le Fou, and while they are disappointingly human they do sport some fabulous hats. The money shot, though, is of Cogsworth (Ian McKellen), Mrs. Potts (Emma Thompson), Lumiere (McGregor), and Plumette (Gugu Mbatha-Raw). First of all, Cogsworth has a GEAR BELLY. And Mrs. Potts has a permanent CRYFACE. And Plumette has been reimagined as a bird-shaped feather duster which means that Lumiere, who has FIRE HANDS, is going to try to F*CK A BIRD.
It does not matter how this movies turns out. Either it’s actually good, or it’s a beautiful disaster and we still win because Beauty and the Beast is a musical about Stockholm Syndrome and bestiality—there is literally no downside.