Inside of you are two trailers, and they are always fighting. One of them is emptiness and despair, one of them is justice and light. Which one will win? Whichever one you watch more.

 

Exhibit A: Abandon All Hope

The trailer for Red One, the action-comedy Christmas movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans has arrived. Behold, and know only anguish:

 

 

This is the movie that may or may not have involved The Rock being so late to set scenes were filmed around him. At least by this trailer, you can’t really tell, though so many scenes involving CG monsters is also a perfect cover for not actually having #1 on the call sheet on set. Because of the nature of digital character replacement, you could film the scene with stunt doubles, do The Rock’s bit separately, and then graft it all together with the final character effects in post-production. 

 

Also, casting JK Simmons as a super-jacked Santa is an inherently funny premise for, like, an SNL sketch. And I am never mad about Lucy Liu getting a paycheck. Get your bag, Lucy, we love you, you’re doing the best. As for Chris Evans? He can do this sh-t in his sleep, has, in fact, done this type of sh-t before in films like The Losers, but after his decade of ascension through the 2010s, capping off with a top-notch performance in Knives Out, stuff like Red One, Ghosted, and to a lesser extent The Gray Man (the movie is bad but he is great) feels like a step back. Here’s hoping Materialists puts Chris Evans back on the goddess’s path. 

Interlude: You have to walk like a douche for the rest of your life

Please go listen to every track on Obscurest Vinyl, which is like The Onion for music. I have had Jenny Stardust’s “My Arms Are Just F-ckin Stuck Like This” stuck in my head for WEEKS. And now you can, too! F-ck! (NSFW language)

 

Exhibit B: Choose wisely

If Red One sent you into a bottomless pit of despair because “From the director of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” fills you with a nameless horror, then allow me to present the path to goodness and grace, the trailer for Heretic, a new horror movie from indie darling production company A24. 

 

 

Heretic stars Hugh Grant as a super weirdo in a maze house. I watched this trailer and thought that Hugh Grant should be in the Knives Out 3 fantasy cast, and then I remembered he’s already IN the Knives Out universe as Phillip, Benoit Blanc’s husband. I hope Phillip shows up in Knives Out 3! Hugh Grant is in his character era, and I love that for him AND us! 

Truly, the best thing that can happen to a certain type of handsome actor—the ones who have talent that matches or supersedes their looks—is aging. It frees them up to play more varied, interesting roles. Hugh Grant has been on a roll ever since Paddington 2, and I hope he never stops. Now, which trailer are you? Agony or ecstasy? Squawk with us!  (app link here)