Cast your minds back a couple of years and recall that Halle Bailey, of Chloe x Halle, was cast to play Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid. The film was delayed by the pandemic, having just begun rehearsals in London in early 2020 when everyone got sent home. A further delay occurred in late 2020 as Melissa McCarthy, who will play Ursula, had a scheduling conflict. But now! At last! Production is rolling on The Little Mermaid, and we have blurry long-distance photos of Halle Bailey in her fishtail. People were freaking out at the mere IDEA of a Black Ariel, but you know what she looks like in the fishtail? A f-cking mermaid! 


First of all, this looks like the scene where Ariel saves Eric, and second of all, this must be a rehearsal because I can’t quite imagine Ariel rocking a rashguard in the actual movie. There’s also no really good shot of the tail, but I assume it will be overwritten with CG anyway. They could make a gorgeous, waterproof, practical tail—such things already exist because there are professional mermaids, aka people who have fully figured out how to game the adult world and I SALUTE THEM—but something tells me Ariel’s going to have a computer tail, at least some of the time. Anyway, I would LOVE IT if the tail is monstrous, a la The Lure (NSFW image), but it will probably be more Splash.

As for Eric, he’s being played by Jonah Hauer-King, one of the Not Timothee Chalamets running around young Hollywood right now. He played Laurie in the BBC/Masterpiece Theater version of Little Women in which Maya Hawke was Jo. He has a forehead curl and dimples, I’m sure he’ll be a fine Prince Eric. More importantly, JAVIER BARDEM IS PLAYING TRITON. This is perfect casting. I hope he has the Anton Chigurh pageboy haircut and everything. Bardem excels at playing laser-focused bad guys whose evil knows no bounds, and if that doesn’t describe King Triton, I don’t know what does. Never forget who the real villain is! It’s Triton and his bizarre power displays, forcing his daughters to perform midday revues with his subjects as a captive audience! Also, can we talk about how f-cked up it is that Triton apparently plays favorites among his daughters so stridently that all of his older daughters are like, “Yeah, sigh, Dad loves Ariel best and he made us do a whole musical about it.” 


Also, they call Triton, “great father who loves us and named us well.” Bitches, your names are Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Atina, Adella, and Allana. Triton had ONE idea for a name, and he used it six times in a row. And poor Aquata, literally named for the substance in which she spends her whole life. She was born and Triton went, “Uh, I guess call her Water?” You know Sebastian fixed that sh-t on the birth certificate. Triton is NOT a great father, and he does NOT love you, let alone “love you well”. If your name is not Ariel, you are disposable, and I bet he can’t even tell you apart. He is DEFINTELY confusing Adella and Allana on the regular. I hope we get a sequel in which the sisters plot Triton’s downfall. Can’t wait for The Little Mermaid II: Sisters’ Revenge.