What is Red One?
Red One is a Christmas themed action “comedy” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, Kiernan Shipka, and JK Simmons as super jacked Santa. It is directed by Jake Kasdan, who also directed Walk Hard and has been coasting ever since (Jake Kasdan Exert Yourself challenge), and is produced by Amazon MGM Studios, which tracks because it feels like the kind of movie meant to disappear into the annals of a streaming platform forever.
Is it true you saw this movie in RDX, with the shaky seats that move; and it made you nauseous; and you’re mad about that which might compromise your review; and people should take everything you say with a grain of salt because the sensation of Santa’s sleigh swooping through the air made you throw up in your mouth a little?
Yes, yes, yes, for sure yes, and yes, thanks for reminding me.
What is Red One about?
Red One is about a weirdly militaristic version of the North Pole where Santa looks like a retired Navy SEAL and is surrounded by Secret Service-esque bodyguards, some of which are talking bipedal polar bears, others are penguins, and one is The Rock. His character’s name is Callum Drift, which sounds like the protagonist of a procedural produced by McG in the 2000s. Callum Drift is the leader of Santa’s personal guard called “ELF”—GET IT—and he has to team up with a “level four naughty lister” named Jack, played by Chris Evans, in order to rescue Santa and thus save Christmas when an evil winter witch kidnaps Santa because his brand of holly jolly no longer suffices in our bleak reality and before you even ask, yes, this is one of those movies where the villain kind of has a point.
Isn’t military industrial Santa sort of antithetical to the Christmas spirit of peace and love?
Sure is!
It sounds kind of cute, though, a buddy comedy to save Christmas. The Rock and Chris Evans are both good at that dynamic. Swooping seats aside, it’s at least a little bit cute, right?
Not really. There is potential, but Red One is incredibly bland. It either needs to be sillier, to more blatantly appeal to little kids willing to go along with any amount of nonsense or go darker and play to the burnt-out grown-up crowd, like Krampus and Violent Night. Instead, Red One splits the difference and pleases nobody. Like it fully introduces Chris Evans as a deadbeat dad with a gambling addiction and probable alcoholism, and it suggests Krampus was in an abusive relationship with a witch, but it ALSO wants to be a movie with Nick Kroll doing funny voices and cookie jokes. Some version of this film was probably meant to be rated R, then The Rock got ahold of it and tried to turn it into family fare.
Chris Evans plays a dad?
Yes, a bad dad who Learns A Lesson in the end. And Callum Drift is an ELF who’s lost his Christmas spirit. Two grown men, floundering in their more or less middle age, trying to save super jacked Santa, as one does.
This still sounds good on paper.
Yeah, and if it committed to that darker version, Red One could have done something interesting with its premise. It’s actually kind of impressive how it squanders all its potential.
What is Lucy Liu up to during all this?
She plays the head of “MORA”, a sequel-baiting plot point that protects mythological beings. Like SHIELD for the Easter Bunny.
Is there an obligatory Black Widow-ish fight scene that will make me wish for an Atomic Blonde sequel starring Lucy Liu?
Super specific question, but yes.
Wait, isn’t this the movie where The Rock was accused of being crazy late to set and peeing in bottles?
Yep! And while he copped to being late, everyone excused it because he works out so much. He also admitted to peeing in bottles but offered no explanation for it. So now we all know that sometimes Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson pees in bottles, and we can never unknow it. Red One, a movie that cost 250 million human dollars to make, will forever be known as the “Rock peeing in bottles” movie. Merry Christmas!
Here is Lucy Liu at The Drew Barrymore Show yesterday in New York.
Red One is exclusively in theaters from November 15, 2024.
