Bargain Bin Little Mermaid
There are several live-action Little Mermaid projects in the works, including one that has Lin-Manuel Miranda attached, but the first to theaters is The Little Mermaid brought to you by your worst nightmares because oh my god this movie looks ATROCIOUS. The totally bitching Atomic Blonde trailer dropped today but I have to write about Bargain Bin Little Mermaid and now I’m wondering how and when I accidentally insulted Lainey. What have I done? How do I apologize? Oh god—ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME WATCH THIS MOVIE?
Because of IP issues, this version takes its cues not from Disney but the Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale, and also the Hardy Boys because it’s an old timey mystery about whether or not the mermaid in the tank is real. The guy, Not-Eric (William Moseley, the soggy biscuit faux-Prince William on The Royals), is sent to find out whether or not the mermaid in the circus sideshow is real. “Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but there’s definitely a story,” his editor says. Is this how we get #fakenews?
So this drip and his kid sister—I suppose that’s the younger version of Shirley MacLaine’s character—go to the circus and see the mermaid who is, guess what, real. And they have to get her away from the evil ringmaster who has her soul in a bottle and there are some bargain-basement effects on display as the ringmaster is also a demon? This looks just terrible, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You can watch the (awful, horrible) trailer below, or you can watch the trailer for The Lure, a Polish horror movie about mermaids who work in a nightclub here. The Lure looks cool as f*ck. That’s the only mermaid movie we need this year.